A Study In Doggerel
by CatsWhiskers
Summary: Silliness. A few poetic ramblings. Curse this insomnia!
1. Etiquette

When dining at 221B

Be on your guard, lest you see

Some strange body part

Served up a la carte

And there's never any milk in your tea.


	2. John's Lament

**Post-Richenbach**

**Based (but only vaguely) on Thomas Hood's 'November'.**

* * *

No arrogance - no more;

No policemen calling at the door -

No brilliance upon his face;

No excitement of the chase.

No unknown corpses in the dock,

No deductions against the clock;

No bullet holes adorn the wall.

No point to anything at all.

No Sherlock.


	3. 221B or not 221B

221B or not 221B? That is the question;  
Whether 'tis better for the police to suffer  
The taunts and insults of outrageous Sherlock,  
Or take advice from Anderson and mark  
The case unsolved, unclosed?


	4. Porlock

In Baker Street did Sherlock Holmes

A mighty mind-palace decree

Where thoughts like mighty rivers ran

Undreamed of by the common man

Down to a sunless sea.

A detective with a violin

In a vision once I saw;

He was a hero unafraid,

And on his violin he played,

Songs of grief and awe.

.

Could I revive within me

That symphony and song,

To such a deep delight 'twould win me,

That with music loud and long,

I would worship within his lair,

That genius! Emotions of ice!

.

And all who sought should find him there,

And all should cry, Beware! Beware!

His flashing eyes, his floating hair!

Weave a circle round him thrice,

And close your eyes with holy dread,

The sociopath on crime hath fed,

And drunk the milk of Paradise.

* * *

**Inspired – if that's the word – by the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch reading 'Kubla Khan.'**


	5. Lestrade

Sherlock scorned me when we met,

Insulting, from the chair he sat in;

John, you swine, who loves to put

Gossip in your blog, put that in!

Say I'm weary, say I'm sad,

Say that Donovan tried to warn me,

Say I'm getting old, but add

Sherlock scorned me.


	6. Buckingham Palace

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft's looking dapper and neat,

Sherlock's wearing nothing but a bed sheet.

(It was malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

"Mycroft, you're looking terribly plump.

I'm amazed your trousers fit over your rump."

(Said with malice.)

.

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft's looking terribly green,

Sherlock stole an ashtray belonging to the Queen.

(Sheer malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft wishes he'd called in the Yard,

Sherlock says Mycroft fancies one of the Guard.

(That's malice.)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Adler's got photos stored on her phone,

Sherlock told Mycroft to leave her alone.

(Was it malice?)

.

They're not very happy at Buckingham Palace

Since Sherlock arrived with undisguised malice;

Mycroft's looking as sad as can be,

There's no chance now of an MBE

(That was malice.)


	7. Sherlock

**With apologies to Rudyard Kipling's 'Tommy.'**

When I went into Scotland Yard to look into a case;  
Donovan called me a freak - she said it to my face.  
Anderson, behind his desk, sniggered fit to die.  
I went into the street again, and to myself said I  
Oh, it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Freak, just go away";  
But it's "Help us, Mr Holmes" when the Great Game starts to play.  
When the Great Game starts to play, dear John, the Great Game starts to play,

Oh, it's "Help us, Mr Holmes" when the Great Game starts to play.

.

I went to the Diogenes Club, as helpful as could be;  
Mycroft listened to his aides - he had no time for me.  
Ignored all my deductions, had no time for me at all;  
But when the scene is dangerous, then on me he will call.  
For it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Sherlock, shut up, please";  
But it's "Help us, dearest brother" when the country's on its knees.  
When the country's on its knees, dear John, the country's on its knees,  
Oh, it's "Help us, dearest brother"' when the country's on its knees.

.

Yes, making mock of theories that your tiny minds can't see  
Is easier than deducing; as is making fun of me.  
And when the facts are obvious to one with half a brain  
It really is much easier to treat me with distain.  
Then it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Sherlock has no soul";

But it's 'Sherlock is a hero' when the dice begin to roll.  
When the dice begin to roll, dear John, the dice begin to roll,  
Oh, it's "Sherlock is a hero" when the dice begin to roll.

.

I'm certainly no hero - I don't aspire to be;  
Just a single man in Baker Street - you're remarkably like me.  
And if sometimes when I am bored I fire bullets at the wall  
Why, single men in Baker Street get bored - well, don't we all?  
Oh, it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Freak, just stay behind";  
They insult me to my face and think that I don't mind.  
Oh, they think that I don't mind, dear John, they think that I don't mind,  
Oh, they insult me to my face, and think that I don't mind.

.

They say that I'm a pyschopath, no humanity at all:

But who is it that they call for when the writing's on the wall?  
When evidence is lacking, and the truth they cannot face,

The Consulting Detective prevents the DCI's disgrace.  
For it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and "Sherlock. go away";

But it's "Saviour of the country" when Moriarty starts to play.  
And it's Sherlock this, and Sherlock that, and anything you please;  
But Sherlock's not a bloody fool - you bet that Sherlock sees!


	8. Sartorial Elegance

**Apologies to A A Milne**

Sherlock put his suit and scarf on,

Sherlock donned his deer-stalker hat,

Sherlock wore his Belstaff overcoat,

and that, said he, is that.


	9. Eulogy

**Based on Wordsworth's 'Lucy' **

He dwelt with me in Baker Street -

Our flat was just above -

A man who few did care to meet

And none prepared to love.

.

A genius, whose frailties

Were hidden from the eye;

Bright as a star, when only one

Is shining in the sky.

.

He lived unloved; but all did know

When Sherlock ceased to be.

Now he is in his grave, and Oh!

The difference to me!


	10. Disobedience

**Based on 'Disobedience': A A Milne**

* * *

Doctor John

Hamish Watson

(ex-Fusiliers, M.D)

Took great

Care of his flatmate

As if he were only three.

John Watson said to his flatmate,

"Sherlock," he said, said he

You must never go up

On the hospital roof

If you don't go there with me."

.

John Hamish

Watson's flatmate

Picked up his phone and gun

John Hamish Watson's flatmate

Danger considered there none.

John Hamish Watson's flatmate

Said to himself, said he

"I can get right up

to the hospital roof

and be back in time for tea."

.

Greg Lestrade

Sent round an email:

"Lost or Stolen or Strayed!

Doctor John Watson's flatmate

Seems to have been mislaid.

Last seen

Heading puposefully

Up to the hospital roof:

Molly Hooper said

That he isn't dead -

But we don't have any proof!"

.

Doctor John

Hamish Watson

Blames it all on Jim:

John told his

Kindly landlady

Not to go blaming him.

John Watson said to his flatmate,

"Sherlock," he said, said he

You must never go up

On that hospital roof

Without consulting me."

.

John Hamish

Watson's flatmate

Hasn't been heard of since.

Mycroft had to say he was sorry,

(That really made him wince.)

Greg Lestrade

(Donovan told me)

Said to a DI he knew:

"If people go up on the hospital roof, well,

What can a policeman do?"

.

(Now then, very softly)

Dr.J.

H.W.

Ex-F, M.D.

Took great

C/O his f

As if he were only 3.

J.W. said to his f

"S," he said, said he:

"You-must-never-go-up-on-the-hospital-roof-

if-you-don't-go-there-with-ME!"


	11. Mycroft

**Based on 'Teddy Bear' : A A Milne **

* * *

A chap, no matter how he tries,

Grows tubby without exercise.

Mycroft Holmes is frankly fat –

It's scarely to be wondered at.

He gets what exercise he takes

Selecting biscuits, buns and cakes,

And generally seems to lack

The self-control to put them back.

.

Now tubbiness is just the thing

Which gets a fellow worrying;

And Mycroft worried much about

The fact that he was frankly stout.

He thought "If I were only thin!

But how on earth does one begin?"

"It really isn't fair" he thought

To deny myself gateaux or torte!"

.

For many weeks he dined in vain

Upon green salad – bland and plain;

And every night, within a dream

Feasted on butter, buns and cream.

And none of the people he did see

"Is quite" (he thought) "as fat as me!"

Then, with sad and moving sigh

"I mean," (he thought) "as fat as I!"

.

Now Mycroft Holmes, as was his way,

Was in the Diogenes Club one day

When suddenly there wandered in

His younger brother (who was thin).

His younger brother, Sherlock Holmes,

(Virtually skin and bones)

Who, when he dined (sad to relate)

Took very little on his plate.

Mycroft heaved a heart-felt sigh

And wiped a tear from his eye;

And for his supper , dined with grief

Upon on a single lettuce leaf.

.

One day just after, Mycroft took

A glance through an old history book.

And found (by squinting through his specs)

A picture of Georgius Rex

(A stoutish man); and there, set forth

The caption "Handsome King George IV"

The man was handsome? Mycroft sat

Rejoicing – for the man was fat!

Mycroft rejoiced and laughed with glee:

King George was fatter far than he!

Handsome King George? Oh, little doubt

King George was more than merely stout!

Why then, Mycroft (for all his tub)

Might be the handsomest in the Club!

.

Mycroft chortled loud with glee

And ordered crumpets for his tea;

And then – his diet quite forgot -

Some buttered toast, all piping hot,

Two buttered eggs, some best York ham.

And then some scones, with cream and jam;

And gingerbread, and cakes galore;

And after that, he ate some more!

.

A chap, no matter how he tries,

Grows tubby without exercise.

Mycroft Holmes is frankly fat –

It's scarely to be wondered at.

But do you think it bothers him

To know that he is far from slim?

No, just the other way about!

He's very proud of being stout.


	12. The Hunter

**This time I decided to have a tilt at Byron...**

* * *

He stalks in silence through the night

Of London, 'neath the starry skies,

And all that's worse of dark and bright

Is echoed in his blue-green eyes;

But mellowed to a tender light

Which he to normal man denies.

.

One crime the more, one crime the less,

Will not impair that nameless grace

Which waves in every raven tress

Or softly lightens o'er his face,

Where thoughts serenely do express

How well ordered their dwelling-place.


End file.
